Flailing To Survive
by KnowThatIWroteToYou
Summary: Takes place 3 months after the season 2 finale. Cosima is struggling to deal with life without Delphine. When she returns, can they regain what they once had? Contains many of the characters in the Orphan Black universe.
1. Chapter 1

It had been 3 months since she'd heard from _her. _Not long after sending her Rachel's itinerary, and the events that had unfolded that day, she had sent her an email. She hadn't heard from her since. Cosima sat on the bed, huddled over her laptop. She had read the email countless times. She had committed every last word, every last letter to memory. She had called her countless times in the weeks after she received the email. She never got through.

Her eyes scanned the email once again, always searching for something new, some kind of hidden meaning. Anything to give her hope.

_Cosima, _

_I have to do something that I don't know if you'll ever understand. I have to do something that I myself don't quite understand. Rachel has transferred me to Germany. There is no choice involved in the matter, she made that quite clear, not if we want to maintain our ties with the DYAD Institute. _

_I am leaving in two days. I must go Cosima. Despite the corruption and politics, DYAD remains your only chance. I cannot sacrifice your health for my own selfish longings to be near you. _

_You should not contact me. Rachel will know. You must continue your treatment, and most importantly, you must survive Cosima. Please, if not for yourself then for your sisters. For me. _

_I don't expect you to agree with my decision. You were never one to follow rules. You always followed your heart. You will be in my heart every day, mon amour, chaque seconde. _

_Mon cœur est entièrement vôtre,_

_Delphine_

Traitor tears rolled silently down her face. She didn't understand how her small, fragile body could produce so many tears. Every night.

"Aunty Cosima?" a timid voice called from the foot of her bed.

Cosima looked up at Kira's concerned face and wiped hurridly at her own, desperately attempting in vain to hide her own tears.

"Hey bug! What's up?" She tried to make her hoarse voice sound chirpy.

Cosima's health miraculously hadn't taken a turn for the worse in the last three months. Not her physical health anyway. Kira had kindly donated another tooth, and Scott had been treating her in the lab on campus.

"Mommy wanted me to tell you dinner is ready" Kira replied shyly, refusing to buy into Cosima's false cheeriness.

Cosima, along with Kira, Sarah, Cal, Felix and Helena, had been living in Cal's house for a while now. Felix's apartment no longer felt safe for any of them. Cosima was grateful for their hospitality, but resented sharing a roof with so many people, and the constant fussing and concerned attention she received made her feel exhausted and grouchy.

"Thanks Kira, I'll be there in like five minutes" She smiled, closing her laptop.

When Kira walked away silently she sighed, and rang her fingers through her dreadlocked hair. She took a minute to compose herself before making her way downstairs.

The table was loud, as always. And bustling with busy hands grabbing plates and food being served. Cosima sighed inwardly.

"Hey Cos" Sarah said, taking a moment to observe her sister. "How you feeling today?" She asked, trying to exude an air of indifference.

She fooled nobody. Sarah lay awake most nights worrying about her sister. Not just over her illness, but over her state of mind. Despite that the fact that Sarah had never trusted her, she knew Delphine had meant the world to Cosima. Every night, without fail, Sarah would sneakily check up on her sister. She had witnessed her tears too many times.

"I'm okay Sarah" Cosima replied quietly. A meal without some kind of reference to her failing health would be a pleasant surprise.

"Well you look like shit" Felix said cheekily, sticking his tongue out at her as he patted the seat next to him.

"No" Helena interjected, mouth full of chicken. "We sestras look great" She motioned in a circle. "You look like dog had shit on your face" She finished, gesturing at Felix with her fork, while keeping a straight face.

That sent Kira into fits of giggles, and Cosima managed to crack a smile.

"Well thanks a bloody lot Helena, that'll keep my ego in check" Felix piped up sarcastically.

"I don't know if anything could do that" Said Cal dryly, earning him a slap on the arm from Sarah, who was still circling the table dishing up food.

"Oi, he may be an ugly sod but he's still our brother, so ease up you lot" Said Sarah.

That gained a chuckle from everyone and Felix rolled his eyes.

"So Cos, has Scott had any luck with those new stem cells he was testing?" Sarah asked, and the mood turned from playful to serious again. Sarah took a seat on the other side of Felix.

"Um, no, not yet. He's still trying though" Cosima replied shortly. She didn't want to be rude to her family. They had been so good to her, but she really wanted to change the subject. "Sooo any news on Rachel? Her health? Her whereabouts?" She asked pointedly. "I thought you were meant to be good at this stuff Cal?"

"I've tried everything Cosima. Do you know how many websites I've hacked in the last month? Probably more than the CIA have in their entire existence. It's like the woman has just disappeared off the face of the earth" He replied defensively.

That made Cosima angry. Even speaking Rachel's name made her blood boil with an unfamiliar rage. Delphine had left because of Rachel. Now that she seems to have disappeared, why hadn't Delphine returned? Why hadn't she even contacted her? Cosima cleared her throat and nodded at Cal's answer.

"Hey" Felix whispered, taking Cosima's hand in his. "We'll figure it out alright? That one-eyed bitch has nothing on us" He said, humour in his voice. Cosima smiled weakly.

A knock on the front door startled them all. They eyed each other confusedly.

"Was anyone expecting someone?" Sarah asked, looking around the table. Everybody shook their heads.

Sarah went to stand up, but Cal put his arm out to stop her.

"You wait here, I'll get it." He said warily.

Everyone remained quiet, the air thick with worry.

Cal grabbed a shotgun from behind the kitchen and walked slowly towards the hall.

"Cal be bloody careful" Sarah muttered.

They could hear Cal opene the door, and they all waited with baited breaths to hear who was there.

Nothing, silence. Why wasn't Cal or the visitor saying anything?

"Mommy" Kira tugged worriedly at Sarahs sleeve. Sarah shushed her.

"You'd better come in" They heard Cal say.

Cal strode into the dining room, an unreadable look on his face. Light footsteps followed down the hall.

Cosima caught sight of her soft blonde curls, and familiar green eyes. And then she saw nothing but black.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- hey guys! Thanks to those who have read so far and taken the time review/follow, etc. This is my first Cophine fic, I absolutely love their characters as individuals and as a couple. This whole fic is going to stick pretty close to the show. My intention is to keep the central Orphan Black plot but focus on everything from Cosima and Delphine's perspective. Not all fanfics can be rainbows and unicorns and fluff. I want to take time to really build the story, and try to make the interactions realistic. So you'll have to have a little patience with me! Really hope you enjoy it.

"Cosima! Cosima!"

Somewhere between a state of unconsciousness and awareness, Cosima heard HER voice. In some kind of twisted, altered reality In which she could replay every aspect of Delphine's being in her mind over and over, again and again. To torture herself into never letting go.

But as her eyes regained some kind of focus, and she felt the hard floor beneath her back, she grew confused. Delphine wasn't slipping away this time. Her form and voice weren't evaporating into a place where dreams and hopes and the longing of her heart went to die.

Delphine was actually HERE. Delphine had come home.

"I'm okay, I'm okay" She managed meekly, as several pairs of hands surrounded her and concerned features focused in on her.

"You know you could have given her some warning Delphine! You fuck off on her when she needs you the most and then just arrive unannounced, lucky she didn't have a heart attack!" Felix spat harshly.

Sarah helped Cosima back onto her chair, and was now pressing her hand against her forehead, fussing over her health. Delphine had taken a small step back, and was teasing her lip between her teeth in worry.

"Felix.." Cosima protested, still attempting to catch her breath.

"Non Cosima" Delphine interrupted, looking into her eyes. She quickly averted her gaze when it became too intense. "Felix is correct. I shouldn't have just, intruded, so unannounced. It was my mistake".

Felix looked somewhat appeased.

Cosima stared at Delphine, her mouth slightly agape. Was she dreaming? Her heart thudded against her ribs so hard it almost felt like it was trying to escape. As if it somehow, instinctively knew that the person it truly belonged to was so close. As if it wanted to crawl out of her body and hold Delphine so tight that she could never leave again.

"Cosima do you need me to get you some water?" Cal asked gently, breaking the growing silence in the room.

Before she had a chance to reply, Helena interjected.

"I will get water for sestra. Will you help me Kira?" She asked.

Kira nodded silently and they left the room.

Helena was so instinctive sometimes, so protective of Kira. The air in the room cleared slightly once the pair had left the room, and all eyes returned to Delphine in expectation.

Sarah turned to Delphine in exasperation when she remained silent. "What the hell is going on Delphine?"

Delphine swallowed and looked around the room. Cosima's eyes followed her every movement, terrified to look away for even a second. She was angry. She was confused. But the overwhelming sense of relief and joy of seeing her overshadowed all of that. She had a million and one questions and accusations and all she could think about was the fact that the memories of Delphine that had kept her going these past few months held such little resemblance to the woman standing in front of her. Her own mind could never conjure up and image as beautiful as Delphine was, standing there in front of her.

Cosima wanted to be angry. She wanted to be hurt and tell her that it was too late to come crawling back. She wanted to show her how much she'd hurt her. But Delphine looked deeply troubled. Her general air of focus and passion had been replaced by a panicked expression in her eyes. There was nothing calming about her anymore, and Cosima felt a know in her stomach. She couldn't believe it had taken her this long to realise that maybe, just maybe, Delphine had shared in the exact same pain she had. Cosima had become so self indulged in her own blinding emotional pain and exhausting physical pain, that had she hadn't taken nearly enough time to consider the feelings of the woman she loved.

"I am sorry to intrude Sarah. I- I managed to track down Siobhan Sadler. She told me you'd be here." Delphine addressed Sarah but looked directly at Cosima as she spoke.

"Whilst in Germany, I was still working for the DYAD. They had me running generic lab tests, anything to keep me out of the way. I began running my own research into project Leta while I was over there. I have found out many things that I need to tell you but I can't stay long." Delphine said, her expression heartbreaking.

"What!?" Cosima choked, a sinking feeling overcoming her chest.

"Cosima" Delphine pleaded, looking at her with eyes that begged for some kind of understanding. She had such beautiful eyes. "The things that are happening in DYAD right now put us all at great risk. I have selfishly put you at an even greater risk by being here."

"Look blondie, get to the point already yeah?" Felix snapped. Cosima slapped the back of his head in annoyance.

Delphine exhaled and continued to gnaw on her lip.

"Rachel is dead." She whispered.

Cosima's hand flew up to her mouth and Sarah gasped beside her.

"How do you know?" Cosima asked. "What happened? Did I- did we- was it us?"

"Non Cosima. It started out as- as rumours circulating about a power shift at the head of the company. " Delphine hesitated. "I figured that they were late, or perhaps even ignorant to the knowledge of Leekie's death. I had made one or two friends in the my lab, and I soon discovered I was wrong. Cosima, Sarah, this is very important." Delphine stressed, looking between the two women. "Before Rachel's death, and I strongly believe this is the cause of her death, she leaked project Leta to a number of personnel from the institute."

This time it was Cosima's turn to gasp.

"So, wait. Why is that a big deal?" Felix asked.

"Because most of the people working on the clones, had no idea what they were actually working on. Only a few up the very top knew. It would throw the whole institute into a huge moral dispute. And knowing DYAD, would put many people at risk of 'disappearing'." Cosima answered before Delphine could.

Delphine nodded solemnly. "Rachel was one of those people. She was killed off by DYAD for what she's done, and she's not the only one. They are attempting to destroy any evidence of the experiment before someone from inside the institute leaks it to the press."

"But, that means we might never find out where we came from. We might never find a cure for Cos." Sarah whispered, trying to absorb all the information Delphine was provided.

Delphine closed her eyes. "At the moment I'm more concerned about what they regard as evidence." She looked meaningfully at Cosima.

"You think they're going to try and kill us." Cosima stated matter of factly. Delphine nodded solemnly.

Cal, who had been quiet throughout the exchange, piped up. "Why would Rachel leak it? She must have known they'd come after her."

"She probably figured she had enough friends on the inside. The DYAD is on the brink of collapse. She clearly had the plan to cause some kind of great rift or divide." Delphine answered.

"Typical Rachel, it was probably her way of weeding out those who stood in her way." Sarah sighed.

"But stood in her way of what exactly?" Cosima pondered.

"Further cloning, Cosima. She abhorred the secrecy surrounding your creation. She wanted the cloning process to become public knowledge. She wanted to parade herself, the creations of Ethan Duncan. She felt the world was ready." Delphine replied softly.

A silence fell over the room. The faint sounds of rain against the window and the muffled sounds of Kira and Helena's giggles from the kitchen surrounded them.

"You said you put us at risk by coming here?" Cal demanded, his head shooting up.

Delphine sighed. "I fled my job, the country. They will be growing very suspicious by now, especially given how easily they will be able to find my deep connections to project Leta. If they can somehow track my movements, it would lead them right to you guys."

"How could they track you? I know you Delphine, I know you were careful." Cosima stated. Delphine's mouth almost twitched into a small smile, but it was gone as soon as it came.

"I can never be too careful. I would never want to put you at risk Cosima. But..." She turned to Sarah and Cal. "I do need a place to sleep tonight, if that would be ok with you?" She pleaded.

Felix snorted and Cosima shot him a dangerous look. Sarah and Cal exchanged looks, and Cal gave her a slight nod.

"Yeah of course." Sarah said. She looked between Cosima and Delphine awkwardly. "There's, uh, no spare bedrooms but there's a couch-"

"She'll be staying with me." Cosima said defiantly, before she could finish.


End file.
